Cockroach Report

The Center for Alien Research (CAR) located in Weehawken, NJ today issued a startling report about cockroaches. FNN Science Reporter Sue Entropy is following this case.

In the report on this explosive research project, CAR announced that analysis of cockroach DNA has found that cockroaches are an alien species. Further, cockroach remains at archeological digs indicate the bugs haven’t changed in over five thousand years, thus defying evolution.

The CAR scientists have speculated that today’s cockroaches are descendants of an invasion force that landed more than five thousand years ago in a failed attempt to subjugate Earth.

At CAR, scientists have identified a dozen small DNA variations indicating differing roles during the invasion. The combinations indicate most of the bugs are ordinary soldiers, a smaller group are the officer corps. Others appear to be political commissars, bureaucrats, news reporters and analysts.

Since the report was issued, speculation has run rampant on why the invasion failed. One theory is the invading force underestimated the size of the humans. Another is that the invasion hasn’t failed and that the plan was to gradually gain control of the planet’s resources. In a troubling statement supporting this last theory, cockroach populations in Earth’s largest cities have exploded of late, leading to speculation that the bugs are planning to seize the cities first. A third theory says the current cockroaches are gathering intelligence for a second invasion by much larger cockroaches.

In another surprising development, the National Security Agency issued a statement that said the NSA does not have the capability of intercepting cockroach messages and even if it did have that capability, it wouldn’t make use of it since that would violate the cockroaches’ privacy rights.

Ms Entropy will follow these developments and issue further reports as necessary.

Hank Quense is the author of 50 published short stories along with four novels and three collections of stories. All of these are humorous and/or satiric scifi and fantasy. In the non-fiction area, he has over a dozen articles published on fiction writing and he’s the author of the Fiction Writing Guides series and the Self-publishing Guides series. Both series consist of a number of ebooks. The Fiction Writing Guides and the Self-Publishing Guides are an outgrowth of his lectures on both subjects.

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