IWSG – July 2022 – Feeling Insecure

IWSG was created by Ninja Captain Alex J Cavanaugh — because Alex understands we need a safe place to congregate, insecurity is part of our creative nature, and together we’re stronger.

On the first Wednesday of each month, you can write on any subject related to your writing journey or adopt the option of answering the month’s question. Either way, you’re in safe territory.

If this sounds like a good place to be, sign up here.

IWSG’s Twitter handle is @TheIWSG and the hashtag is #IWSG.

July 6 question – If you could live in any book world, which one would you choose?
The hosts for this month are:

J Lenni Dorner, Janet Alcorn, PJ Colando, Jenni Enzor, and Diane Burton!

I can’t answer this month’s question because there are too many books to mention. If I love a book I live it. Sometimes for weeks or months. Classics like Gone with the Wind, The Christmas Carol, War and Peace, and Polar Express, to name a few. There are hundreds.

Instead, I’m writing about being insecure. While I have faced far greater hardships, lately, my insecure-ness has been heavy with its presence.

I’m cringing that I’m actually admitting this but … after finally getting Kiss of the Assassin published after trying for 30 years, I thought all book sales would soar.

I’m looking up just in case the ceiling comes crashing down on my head. I’m tempted to delete the whole post in favour of writing about something else. Wallowing is a horrible feeling. The only good part is I’m at the age where no emotion goes unheeded. For whatever reason, I’m wallowing. It might even be a good reason. I hope it’s a good reason. Seems a waste of time otherwise.

When I started out, being self-published meant you were lower than the lowest. When I found a publisher after I self-published Dead Witness,  I felt vindicated. I know, that’s silly, but since I’m being honest, that’s how I felt. Someone, other than me, thought my writing was good.

Now, here I am, the author of four suspense novels, and no breakout novel.

Inside my head, I hear, “Would you like cheese with that whine?”

These days you’ll find me with a shovel instead of a keyboard. We’re landscaping and there is no end to the rocks. Before I stop whining and go off to read your posts and then get back to raking rocks, I would like to say my feet, hands, back, and knees hurt. Did I mention my hands hurt? I also feel the overwhelming urge to admit — I feel guilty because I haven’t been marketing Kiss of the Assassin to the extent that I should. I’m outside all day. When I come in at night to make supper, I’m too exhausted to open my MacBook. After dinner, I sit in my lazy boy and Dear Husband sits in his. While supposedly watching tv, we’re actually competing to see who can snore louder. Dear Husband generally wins.

I hear that voice again, trying to give me cheese.

I know this sense of failure will pass. But I needed to come clean. I wanted you to know that even old-timers like me experience these bouts of uncertainty. It won’t keep me down long.

It was Date Night yesterday and DH and I went to the big city for supplies. We also saw Top Gun at the matinee. I’m mentioning this in case you’re on the fence about seeing it. Great movie, that should definitely be seen on the big screen.

 

Comments 10

  1. I guess we all go through this phase of doubting ourselves when we hit a wall. I guess what worked for me was writing aimlessly even if I didn’t make any sense to just get the wall out of the way.

  2. Digging and landscaping are great fun and much healthier than sitting and writing, which I’m doing at this very moment and intend to stop after this comment. You’ve inspired me to find my shovel and to see Top Gun on the big screen.

  3. I can commiserate. Selling books is hard, and unless it’s a niche market, it’s even tougher to get momentum to carry into other buys. You’re a good writer. Don’t give up!

  4. I’m sorry. Truly. I don’t think the insecurity ever goes away, whether we’re published or not, write a breakout novel or not. I hope your landscaping project is going well, and you don’t hurt yourself too badly clearing rocks (been there, done that–it’s hard work!).

  5. My dear Joy,
    My heart aches for you and the pain you are experiencing in this moment. And I admire your strength to keep going and sense of humor. I loved the “Lazy Boy” scene.
    Thank you for supporting me when you were struggling to keep you head above water.
    This too shall pass. You are making progress.

  6. Oh boy, do I hear you, Joylene! I remember experiencing the heights of ecstasy at the book launch for my trilogy in 2020. I was the same as you. I thought this is it. I’m about to take off. Then virtually nothing happened, and it still hasn’t happened. I stopped going to check about a year ago. The best cure? Start working on the next book! I’ve been hard at work on the next one and it’s so exciting to be underway that I have moved on 100%.

  7. Joylene, if it makes you feel better – I spoke with my cousin in CA on Monday and she said she’d just finished Matowak – and loved it. So do not lose faith in yourself as a writer.

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